the G sides

aka “How To Make Halo 2 Better”

Since I’ve been sick, I’ve learned that I’m seriously degrading in my Halo skills. We ran last night and I played like a girl. Which I hate because on Halo 1 – I was pretty good. So in my insomnia/bitterness/sick ridden subconscious, I have come up with some things Bungie should do to make the Halo 2 experience better.

1. Class System.

• NO LIFE Classification: Mainly teenage boys who don’t have a freakin’ life. They don’t have girlfriends, hobbies, parents, or friends. They are fed by an IV tube and have a catheter. So, all they play is Halo. I realize this sounds like a bitter beat-up victim…and my mature response to that is – so what?
• COLLEGE LIFE Classification: See above except with added ‘responsibility’ of maintaining appearance to parents they are attending class. More experienced members come home once every 6 to 8 weeks to maintain the image. The above two classifications could play against or with each other.
• MARRIED with no kids: The tweener group. Depending on rank could play with either NO LIFE’s or COLLEGE LIFES. Most of the time they have better things to do with their time than play Halo…most of the time.
• MARRIED with small kids: My group. Games are often marked by players just standing still on a map. Players in other categories who have no life or responsibilities fail to realize that perhaps the player isn’t stupid but maybe saving their child from choking to death, getting her a drink of water, or pulling her to safety from the tub after playing with the toaster. Players would be equipped with Rockets all the time and a sign to hang around their neck saying “I’m standing here to help my kids, not so you can jack slap me!”
• MARRIED but wife either loves Halo or is never around: See also NO LIFE or COLLEGE LIFE except with bills. Could also be Bungie employees.

2. In Game Mute/Eject button. It’s cumbersome to go back to the Friends list to turn off some foul mouthed 9 year old. (By the way – who the heck lets their 9 year old play Halo online during the school week until 11 o’clock?) I would add to this an In Game Boot Button. Only MARRIED classifications have this feature. If we don’t like you or your annoying or if you so good we really don’t want you around – we’re gonna look at you, hit the black button and your gone.

3. Bring back the slap! In Halo 1, when it got close quarters a good friend of mine showed me the button configuration that toook my game to the next level. Hit a button, punch your offender and he was out. Not in Halo 2. You might as well spit in the wind. The problem is old habits die hard. I still find myself punching, the offender looking at me like – why are you break dancing at a time like this – then dropping me with one pistol shot to head. I like the old melee attack.

I think these few minor changes would make Halo 2.25 a great video game.

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