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Jason R. asked for thoughts about family-based youth ministry here.
Around 1994, Mark DeVries wrote a book called Family-Based Youth Ministry. I was one of the first guys in my circle to read it. I liked a lot of what he wrote. In fact, this book was the motivation for me to start recruiting ‘older’ youth volunteers. I wanted retirees and empty nesters around to disciple kids. And man, what a gold mine that was. Not only did/do students love to hang out with the ‘older’ crowd, the older crowd loved being with teens.
In this sense - family-based youth ministry would be about having the whole spectrum (age wise) of the Body of Christ in youth ministry to help disciple teens. This is a good thing. How I’ve seen DeVries read and implemented has been to surround teens with their parents (”Parent-Based Youth Ministry”) which I am convinced is NOT such a good thing.
Was this DeVries’ intent? I’m not sure but that really isn’t the point either. This “Parent-Based Youth Ministry” was the mess I got to clean up when I first arrived at Grace. (Do any of you remember that a short 4 years ago?)
Here is my non-exhaustive list of reasons and cautions of a “Parent-Based” model. (By the way, in August of last year I got a pretty hot email about the ridiculous of youth ministry and how parents are supposed to be the sole provider of spiritual direction of their kids. You can read my response to that here.)
Kids are designed to grow up and be independent. That testing ground is called adolescence. They need a space to figure out how to grow up without Mom and Dad around all the time. Parent-based often keeps the umbilical cord tied. I believe the technical term is ’smothering.’
Parents can’t do it alone. Neither can youth ministries. The great mistake made by many youth pastors is that ‘we’ know more about teens than the parents and if ‘we’ were just left alone, ‘we’ would be fine. The great mistake made by parents is that ‘they’ know ‘their’ kid better than anyone else and nobody else has a better perspective on ‘their’ kids than ‘they’ do. You can see the train wreck coming.
The bottom line is that ‘we’ need each other and a little listening would go a long way. One of my favorite parents of all time was a guy named Bill Watkins. He had two drop-dead gorgeous daughters that were good kids but because they were A) daughters and B) drop-dead gorgeous, he was a wee-bit overprotective. (I can see now why God crossed our paths so early in my life!!) We’d fish together, talk to together, hang out. I learned alot about parenting from him (how the relationship morphs as the kids get older). I think he learned alot about letting go and trusting his daughters from me.
The point of student ministry can get cloudy. The mantra I’ve heard with parent-based minsitry is ‘protect the children, protect the children, protect the children.’ Which often leads to a list of rules to be kept as opposed to a mission to be released towards. The mantra I think student minsitry should have is ‘bring Jesus to teens, equip the teens, release them back to the wild to bring Jesus to teens.’
Calling and gifting get shafted. I tried to think of a polite way to say that but I can’t. Student ministry is hard and fun and tiring and energizing and wonderful. You also need to be called to it…that is what keeps you in the game when the game gets ugly. Just because you have a teen, doesn’t make you called to work with all teens. I’m definitately not called to work in Children’s ministry yet I have three of them. And if you stay in a place that you are not called or gifted in, you will do damage to yourself and others around you. I think Parent-Based lends itself to putting those who aren’t called and gifted in this position.
Here are my final thoughts about it, Jason. I don’t think Mark DeVries ‘original intent’ was Parent-Based Youth Ministry. I reserve the right to be wrong about that. I gained some great insights from his book. However, I have seen his ideas implemented in some very unhealthy and unwise ways. I don’t blame Mark DeVries for that at all.
I do think student ministry needs a revolution and a rethinking…but I also think it is a part of the larger revolution that needs to happen in American churches. One that the emergent church is fumbling around trying to figure out.
Tags: family based youth ministry, Mark DeVries, Parent Based youth ministy
10 responses so far ↓
1 Paul // Feb 6, 2006 at 1:12 pm
Great thoughts on “family” youth ministry. I have thought the same things but never articulated them that well.
2 Jason // Feb 7, 2006 at 12:31 am
Grant,
Thanks for taking the time to enter into this conversation. I was thinking out loud, and wanted to hear from youth guys who have been working in the trenches a little longer than myself.
Great thoughts, and we do certainly need to rethink, revolutionize the way we do ministry.
Thanks!
3 Grant // Feb 7, 2006 at 3:40 pm
“a little longer than myself”
wow….thanks…I think. ha hahaha
4 Jerry // Feb 12, 2006 at 5:50 pm
I agree. The bottom line is that some adults have a knack for connecting with teens and some don’t. I want my teens around those who have that knack.
Another reason you could add to your list: Everyone needs an objective third party to confirm something is true. If you only hear things from your parents and nowhere else you will soon conclude that only your parents hold those views. If you hear the same thing from an independent adult as you heard from your parents, then that view holds some weight and you might conclude it’s true.
5 James // Feb 14, 2006 at 2:40 am
In many churches I think it would be best if there were no youth ministry. Then parents wouldn’t be able to abdicate their responsibilty to a once-a-week youth meeting. I’m not saying all parents do this. But most do. Sad, but true. So…the youth ministry becomes this “damage control unit” (DCU) where we try to put kids back together again. We justify it by saying to ourselves, “Well…this is better than nothing, right?” Meanwhile parents miss out on THEIR CALLING, while we sit back and wonder why statistically the world is on par with the Church.
I’m not sold on youth ministry. I DO appreciate all the hard work and sacrifice that goes into a ministry that has little Biblical backing.
I appreciated your thoughts on smothering. To me YPs have never been the “bad guys” trying to steal our kids. The reason youth ministry doesn’t work (as a whole) is that parents aren’t doing their job. If parents were doing their jobs then the standards for youth ministry would be much higher and the results would be much more successful.
6 James // Feb 14, 2006 at 3:41 pm
Click on my name below for a more thorough treatment of this topic on my blog.
I acknowledge that my strong convictions are somewhat subjective, though I don’t think anyone is going to argue persuasively that parenting isn’t a major crisis in the church today. Why are we so afraid to talk about it? I guess you ruffle feathers and people stop giving their money. That’s my best guess. Intentional epuipping of parents should be a budgetary priority of all churches.
7 Grant // Feb 14, 2006 at 7:55 pm
Jas - I think we’ll agree to disagree on the place of youth ministry.
As far as the parenting issue - I don’t think anyone would argue that parenting is in deep weeds in American culture.
I just think it’s a lot more complicated than just church budgets.
How many parents admit they need some help? Then, how many parents that have done well avail themselves to be mentors? On top of that, when kid #2 shows up - all bets are off. Just because an approach or style worked with one kid, doesn’t mean it will work with another.
Are we going to “Grow Kid’s God’s Way”, “Grace-Base Parent”, “Focus on the Family”, or “Dare to Discipline?”
I’d still argue the best thing a student can see and experience is a parent being in love with Jesus so much that it changed their life.
8 James // Feb 14, 2006 at 8:06 pm
I agree. Very few parents have this kind of relationship with Christ. So…we hire a YP to be the seregate spiritual leader. I guess I just don’t get it. I know there are needs in the Body that a YP staff person can best meet. I just don’t know if I’m sold Biblically on the current “model” America has bought into.
9 Matthew Voth // May 31, 2006 at 1:58 pm
churches often hire people to do ministry even though God recriuts His church to the task.
the emergent church will flounder to the extent that it chooses not to walk through the process of change with local bodies of believers
instead faith communities who agree together that the Bible is God’s handbook for life should talk about “stategies” less and throw themselves into the task at hand
–diligently studying God’s word
–living a life of testimony
–encouraging and confronting Christians with the goal of effective ministry together
10 James // May 31, 2006 at 3:17 pm
Matthew,
Thoughtful comment. I’m amazed how easily we abdicate the “work of the ministry” to paid professionals. It’s everyone’s fault: from the pulpit to the pew. God won’t allow this paradigm to continue. It’s corrupting his image in our culture.
Coorporate strategies are only effective where Christian liberty is being expressed. It not about my “pastor’s vision.” It’s about everyone listening to God’s voice as individuals and then using it to spread the gospel effectively and edify the church sacrificially.
Hi, Grant!
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