the    sides

My father in law sent me this in response to the Chuck Norris post.

The World According to Jack Bauer

If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.

In chess, Jack Bauer can checkmate you in one move.

If everyone on “24″ followed Jack Bauer’s instructions, it would be called “12″.

Jack Bauer removed the “Escape” button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Don’t ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar…

Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he’s knocked out or temporarily killed.

Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.

David Spade always says ‘yes’ to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.

Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn’t want to.

Everytime Jack Bauer yells “NOW!” at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.

As a child, Jack Bauer’s first words were “There’s no time!”

Jack Bauer isn’t hiding from the world, the world is hiding from Jack Bauer.

If Jack Bauer had been on Oceanic 815 there would no show named “Lost.”

Jack Bauer can sneeze with his eyes open.

Guns don’t kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.

Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it’s beef.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Osama bin Laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn’t a big deal.

Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it.

When Google can’t find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That’s why there’s no life on Mars.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

What color is Jack Bauer’s blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

Sun Tzu once wrote, “If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you’re dead.”

When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, “You’re in good hands with Jack Bauer”.

Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.

It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards “The Man of Year”, there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, “besides Jack Bauer.”

When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn’t go off, security gives him a gun.