sides
They come in holding hands.
I want ‘em to leave with crossed arms.
Seriously, one of my goals is to get them fighting about something. How are they are going to fight? Will they fight fair? Either of them a bully? Either of them cower at the first hint of conflict? Do they stay on topic or stray to other areas that they’ve been dieing to bring up? Will they be quick in making up? Will they ignore it - stuffing it for a later explosion?
No. I don’t shoot for this during the first session. But I do tell them that’s my goal.
The cynical side of me wonders about the usefulness of premarital counseling. We all need POST-marital counseling but honestly, how many of us took premarital counseling seriously? Like I can say anything to some hormonal-crazed man to make him NOT marry that hot woman sitting next to him. Amy and I took about 8 weeks of premarital counseling. But there wasn’t anything that counselor was going to say to get me to call off the wedding. (I guess if Amy revealed that she was a man - that would have done it.) I was thinking of one thing only. And it wasn’t the floral arrangements either.
I see the same stupid look now from other couples. “We’re not going to fight!!” “We were made for each other.” “This is the most wonderful moment of my life.” The glaze of marital bliss covers the eyes and ears. It’s the mental pat on the head of “We’re listening because we’re not rude people.”
All of us.
I’ve got plenty of stories of where the counselor or pastor warned the couple to not marry and I’ve got NO stories of couples actually listening to that advice. NONE. NADA. ZIP.
I’m not anti-marriage. Far from it. I’m not anti-counseling either. But timing is everything isn’t it? I didn’t need help with marriage until I was way down the road of being married and realized - “I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. And I don’t have a clue who this woman is either.”
I’m guessing that premarital counseling started because some parents were trying to delay the inevitable. It’s a vicious cycle. I’m going to repeat with my daughters. They are going to fall in love with some empty-headed baboon and I’m going to force them to go to premarital counseling. I’m then going to slip the counselor $1,000 to do everything he can to wreck the relationship. It won’t matter. Both of them are going to be “so in love” that the Lemming Factor will have already taken hold.
So why in the world do we still do it? It’s better than nothing at all. It’s not going to hurt the marriage. There’s actually a .1 percent chance the couples will actually listen. It gives me (as a pastor) some relational equity for later on in their relationship when they are really going to need some help.
Just another random rant that popped in my head today.
Tag: premarital counseling
8 responses so far ↓
1 Lemmings // Apr 25, 2008 at 9:06 am
Dude - Did you really have to pull me into this conversation?
“Lemmings.
All of us.”
If you are going to use my name, you can at least give me some blog-link love! =)
2 Grant // Apr 25, 2008 at 9:23 am
Party foul on me…I’ll make it up to you.
I promise.
3 Christine Maupin // Apr 25, 2008 at 11:31 am
I couldn’t agree with you more. And I have only been married for a little over a month. Although I’m not sure Dan and I ever thought we were never going to fight. I would much rather have post-first month of marriage counseling instead of the week before.
(Oh, and today there is a reason for having to have pre-marital counseling. In order to get the covenant marriage license, you have to have it.)
4 Grant // Apr 25, 2008 at 11:37 am
Ahhhh, the covenant marriage license…
I don’t even know where to start with that one…probably deserves its own post.
But yet another example of what is so wrong about the religious south/right/fundy whatever group that thinks of these things.
It’s like “Christian” music, Christian art, christian movies and now - Christian marriage license.
I guess the institution of marriage wasn’t sacred enough on its own…
5 kurt // Apr 25, 2008 at 2:26 pm
I usually have the couple starting to wonder about their relationship by counseling session #2. Even the ones who claim they never fight and their relationship is all puppy dogs and flowers.
Relationally speaking, I really like the advice given by the dad to his daughter in “Juno” when she asked him if it was possible for people to stay married: “In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your a**. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.”
I hope my daughter finds that guy who just digs her for who she is, and she likewise.
6 Kitty // Apr 26, 2008 at 1:59 pm
It also gives you some great stories to share with the rest of us!!
I know you’ve given Rowland and me some post-marital counseling that must’ve helped. We’re still together! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, though, DON’T USE OUR STORIES!!!! It’d ruin our reputations!!
7 Big Tom // Apr 28, 2008 at 6:28 am
Amen. Especially on the empty headed baboon part! Isn’t God good to transform them sometimes.
Amy’s dad
8 Grant // Apr 28, 2008 at 7:50 am
Thanks for your support, Tom. I appreciate it!
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