There’s manly vehicles.
There’s ‘chick’ vehicles.
Then – according to Wayne (I’d link him but he hasn’t blogged in 14 years) – there’s ‘metro-sexual’ vehicles. It’s fair to ask what exactly makes Wayne an expert in such issues. I’ll allow him to answer that in the comments section below. (This should be fascinating.)
I think there probably ought to be a 4th category – kinda the ‘necessary evil’ category. Stuff like Honda Civics, Hyundai Sonatas, and other gas-conserving vehicles that aren’t completely ridiculous could go in this category. (No, the Yaris doesn’t go here. It’s completely ridiculous.)
Before we start categorizing, some general principles that we all can agree upon.
1. A mini-van will never, ever in any way ever be classified as a MANLY car. Ever.
It could be classified as either a CHICK or a NECESSARY EVIL (NE) depending on number of kids in family. If you have 2 or less children and you have a mini-van, you are on the bubble. Technically, you don’t NEED an mini-van. If you have no children, it’s a definite CHICK classification.
2. Any car that could fit in the back of a full-size pickup, will never, ever in any way be classified as a MANLY car. Ever.
There is one notable exception – the Mini-Cooper. I have yet to meet a guy who doesn’t like the Cooper. It’s a sweet ride. Got a cool name as well. The Yaris, Yugo, Geo, Smart Cars and the like will always be classified as CHICK cars.
3. Any car that comes with a flower vase is a CHICK vehicle. See VW Bug.
4. If it says “Jeep”, we’re going to give you the benefit of the doubt.
The Jeep Liberty raised some questions about the manliness of the Jeep. It’s a terrible drive, horrible off the road and marketed towards women. However, it’s still a Jeep. Every man born has wanted to own a Jeep at some point in his life. It’s instinct.
Questions We Need To Answer
Does the vehicle’s color have anything to do with classification?
This of course is part of the argument against classifying my current Xterra as a MANLY vehicle – it’s yellow. But so are some fire trucks and those are definitely MAN cars. So color alone can’t sink a car into the CHICK category.
Pink is the exception. Pink is NOT the new black when it comes to cars. You better be selling Mary Kay if you have a pink vehicle. That’s all I got to say about that.
Other colors that are ONLY CHICK:
Sea Foam Green – again see VW Bug.
Light Sky Blue
Does the personality or profession of the owner have anything to do with classification?
Yes, it can.
If you are an Electrical Engineer and enjoy reading power grids, you’re not going to pull off a yellow vehicle. Nor are you going to pull of a ‘fun’ vehicle. Stick with boring box cars or standard SUVs. Chances are you’re not going to pull off any color other than white or black or maybe silver. You know, the basic, boring colors of the vehicle palate.
If you are basically as cool as Chuck Norris (not cooler than Chuck as that is impossible…and it should be noted that most youth ministers fall in this category) then a color like…oh, I don’t know…say …. YELLOW actually works for you. It’s loud. It’s bright and positive. It screams that you are fun and not boring…the antithesis to engineer type of people.
This can also work in terms of types of cars. If you are a youth pastor and drive a mini-van, you could always fall back on the NE classification due to the number of students you drive around.
Does the usage of the car effect the classification?
Let’s look at the Suburban.
Suburban driven by a soccer mom that never sees 4wd – CHICK.
Suburban that is full of ski gear, mountain climbing gear, and parachutes – MANLY.
Pink Mary Kay Suburban – CHICK.
Pink Mary Kay Suburban driven by husband going to store to get milk – candidate for divorce. (I actually saw this once at a Walgreens. I just kept staring at him. I had no idea what to say to him in order to console him. I do know that there would have been a throw stuff around the house kind of argument if it had been me. And I would have taken my bike or walked.)
Can accessories help classify a vehicle?
It can make the difference in the final vote. In some cases, like the Yaris, it won’t matter what you put on it. It is what it is and the best thing you can do is just man-up and deal with it. A mini-van will allows be a Chick car. Any man that argues differently is just delusional and deserves both our pity and insults. However, in Wayne’s ‘metro-sexual’ category, accessorization could make the difference.
Ski racks – manly.
Front grill protector – manly.
Antenna smiley face – chick.
“My kid is an honor student” bumper sticker – chick and candidate for running off the road.
Christian Fish Symbol – undecided at this point. Did your car make that decision or are you forcing Jesus up its tailpipe?
Trailer hitch – manly.
If you can see the spare tire – manly.
If spare tire is full-size – manly.
Donut spare – chick.
If you can see the spare tire AND it’s a donut – well, we may need a 5th category.
Width of tires – generally speaking, the wider, the more manly.
Ball cracking the window stickers – chick.
I’m sure you’ll have more so list away in the comments section.
Later next week – my history of cars and their classifications.