the    sides

Dear Raider Nation,

It’s been a long time coming but it’s time to tell you the truth. You have a terrible football team. And Al Davis has secretly been the model and voice for that old guy that Pixar uses in all their short films. You know the one I’m talking about? He plays chess with himself, he cleans toys. Do you even know what Pixar is?

But that’s not important right now. As much as I hate you - this is getting ridiculous. A below average Bronco defense had you shut out until the last 6 minutes of the game. A second-round pick made your all-pro corner look like he belonged on Dancing With The Stars. Cutler didn’t even take a shower after the game. How does a quarterback wearing all white playing on a dirt field leave the game nary a smudge mark on him?

Beating you used to mean something. When Tom Jackson screamed at John Madden “Not tonight, Fatty!”, it was inspiring because we knew we were beating the “Greatness of the Raiders.” It used to be that no one left the Black Hole unscathed. Now, they start breaking out calculators to figure out yardage and score possibilities. There were Bronco fans wearing Bronco gear in the stadium last night… excuse me, that was Eddie Royal. He just scored again.

As far as your future? There’s not one. That light is a train. I’m just being honest with you - denial is a normal part of the grieving process so the quicker you get over this, the better off you’ll all be.

You’ve had 19 wins total since 2002. That makes you the Northwestern of professional football except with a police blotter.

So suck it up and take this like a man. Your team is awful. Your owner is awful. Your stadium is awful. Your city is awful.

BUT…you do have a bunch of cool lightsabers.