Do you mind if I vent for a bit? Thank you. I get asked all the time – “what’s the key to a great marriage?”

My first reaction is – You mean there’s only one?? I’m 19 years, 9 months, and 15 days into this experience called marriage and I could have sworn there are more like 476 of them.

I really hate the question. It’s like getting a text – ‘G – u xplain revelation 2 me?’ Like we can text it out what it takes to make a great marriage. Like we can put all the mystery and magic of marriage in 140 characters. Impossible. Nothing great is ever easy or that simple.

Nothing.

Don’t misunderstand my vent as being negative about marriage. That’s not it at all. I still think it’s the second greatest institution on the planet. It’s just I’m sick of what we’re making it in our culture. We’ve cheapened it to almost the level of buying a car. “If it gets too many miles on it or I get tired of it or if I wreck it – I’ll just trade it in for another model.”

I understand the drive behind the question. Most of us that are married – we want a great marriage. But we approach it like the broken garbage disposal or leaky faucet. We notice it when it breaks. We then want the quickest, cheapest fix so we can get back to what we were doing. We see it as a distraction. The goal is to get it fixed as fast as possible. So maybe it will take a couple of trips to the hardware store but if I find the right guy who can give me the right tool and right tip, I can fix it fast.

Allow me to offer another metaphor for marriage. Art. Jazz. Blues. Painting. Sculpture. An artist isn’t concerned about hurrying through a fix. He’s focused on creating something deeper, something that provokes. If it takes days, weeks, months – so be it. The outcome is a result of this mystical partnership between the artist and the medium. The painter and the colors and canvas, the musician with the instrument – there is give and take, there are moments that are complete messes followed by moments of perfection. Neither really knows what the end will look like but then again that really doesn’t matter. Half the fun is getting there.

Any true artist will tell you – the process is often more important than the product.

We don’t ask artists that kind of question. “What’s the key to a great piece of art?” Instead we ask – what inspires you? How did you do this? What is the story behind this? We don’t ask the question because we already know the answer – the artist is the key to a great piece of art. An artist that has given his or her life to the craft. An artist that is courageous enough to risk bold colors, passionate enough to keep pursuing beauty through the mess of the creative process. An artist that is determined enough to not give up on the painting – even if it means stripping it all down and starting over.

Here’s another little secret about artists – they work. They work hard. Sure they may have a gift or a talent but they put that gift to work, sharpening and improving it. They put in hours and hours of work so that one day a masterpiece will be birthed.

So maybe I’ve answered the question. Marriage is more art than anything else. And like art, even a novice can create something beautiful if they are willing to put in the time and effort.

Join us for this special series Art of Marriage, created by FamilyLife. For complete details click here.

Image “Broken Keys” originally appeared on SoundLogik.com on a review for the band “The Black Keys”. Who, by the way, are completely awesome. I’m just saying…

Here’s the devo I wrote this week….

Time to go to the mailbag for some more questions on our current series GREATsex.

Is great sex possible for those who have been abused? Or those who have a past of sexual sins?
I’m actually going to speak about this topic this coming Sunday. I really encourage you to be a part of our worship services this weekend, I think there will be some help for us in scriptures.

I’m married. I love my spouse but our sex life is a disaster. Are there any Christian resources that can help us?
I’d recommend two great resources.

First, Intended For Pleasure by Ed and Gaye Wheat. There are newer books written about sexual issues from a Christian perspective but not any better than this one.

Second, Restoring The Pleasure by Clifford and Joyce Penner. The Penners have actually written a few books on this topic and you’re not going to go wrong with any of their books. But this one specifically deals with problems and barriers in the sexual component of a marriage.

Fair warning about both books: The authors are Christ-followers and the intended audience for these books are married couples. They speak bluntly about sex and sex techniques. It is not for the easily offended. But I’m guessing you are not one of those since you asked the question.

At what age should I start talking to my children about sex?
As soon as you can. Don’t treat sex as the “unspeakable subject” at your house. When we are quiet about topics in our homes, we allow the culture around us to have a larger voice in our kids lives. Your home is the best chance for your kids to learn about sex correctly and from a godly perspective.

So, when they ask, answer them. Obviously we want to be age appropriate in our response. Kids are curious and most of the time their questions are just innocent inquiries. So be sure to answer the question they are asking, nothing more, nothing less. And answer it in a way that they can understand.

Couple of great resources:

How and When To Tell Your Kids About Sex

Passport2Purity from FamilyLife.com.

Is it okay for a Christian couple to watch porn as long as they are both okay with it?
No. Pornography is deadly to oneness. It is the exact opposite of intimacy – which is the foundation of great sex. Porn introduces another person or persons into the marriage bed, it provokes feeling of lust, and it never satisfies. Introducing this into a marriage is just bad news and won’t end well.

My spouse seems intent on watching inappropriate movies. What can I do? Am I to blame?
If by inappropriate we mean porn, then I’d suggest at least these 4 things:
First, pray for him/her that God would give them freedom from this.
Second, find a private time and place to talk about the behavior and how it hurts you and the marriage.
Third, offer some solutions that you both can live with. Put a filter on computer (Covenant Eyes). Move computer to main floor where everybody can see. No TV alone. Call each other when the urge to watch porn starts.
Fourth, find someone other than spouse to be accountable to.

Join us this Sunday as we wrap up our series on GREATsex. This week’s topic: Do-Overs.