7.30 am, Home
Up and fumble to the shower. I have a crazy busy day in meetings. Honestly, I’m not looking forward to it as much as I should. I need a few more hours on the sermon, need a few more hours on the new house…basically I just need a few more hours.

8.30 am, School
Walk kids to classrooms, say hi to some teachers.

8.37 am, PT’s Coffee Shop
Meet John (not his real name) at a coffee shop. John is a recovering alcoholic, been sober for 6 years. Married to same woman through it all and wants to renew his vows with her. We walk through what that ceremony could look like. Awesome to see redemption at work.

9.45 am, Downtown Topeka
Head downtown to pickup Edie Smith, our missions team leader. She is awesome. She’s also part of our creative team that makes our sets look so freakin’ awesome. I get to hear her story on the way to Lawrence to meet the Goombi’s, some missionaries to many Native American reservations in the area.

10.45 am, Lawrence, KS.
Hear of how for the first time in 50 years the reservations are open to the Gospel, there is a door opening. We plan on helping them do a VBS/Carnival in July. Looking at helping being an aid tent at the big Powwow in June. The Goombi’s are not full-time missionaries. He works at Sears on commission. We talk a long time about how can they continue to do this in this manner. To their credit, they are faithful and optimistic.

I’m conflicted. Technically, they are MSC missionaries under our North American Mission Board…but they don’t get funded full-time, nor does he get funded when he misses work to do missions work for the Reservations. Daniel himself is a Native-American so the work is more than just an assignment, it’s a calling…in the truest sense of the word. They are losing their storage space at a local church. They need a shed for school supplies and other items they use in their mission. Edie and I leave the meeting with mixed feelings. We’re amped about the opportunities, disappointed that we can’t wave a magic wand to help get the Goombi’s full-time. We pray for insight, creativity as this partnership with them grows.

1.00 pm, Topeka Bible Church
After I drop Edie off, head to Topeka Bible Church. I’m meeting their worship pastor for a late lunch. Bryan Nelson is his name. He drags their youth pastor with us, Scott. Immediately, we hit it off. Feels like we’ve known each other for a long time. I get the tour of their impressive facility…and he takes me to Burger King. Scott starts laughing at Bryan. Bryan asks if this is okay after he’s turned the car off.

I say – “Sure. But you know…they have these new fangled places now where you can sit and some one actually brings your food to you.”

Great time with these guys. My mood lifts. It’s good to talk ministry with other pastors. It’s good to compare notes, to ask questions, to learn, to be vulnerable with no agenda. We schedule another time for May. I need this.

3.30 pm, Western Hills, Worship Center
David Manner is in worship center getting stuff ready for worship practice tonight. I knew David before getting here to WH. It’s made the transition easier with him around. I give him grief about his GQ style and look. I wonder if he’s ever had a hair out of place. He wonders if I’ve ever bought a shirt with a collar or something without Hard Rock Cafe, Broncos, or Rockies on it.

We talk a bit. Not so important about what as much as he’s one of those guys that I don’t have to be ‘on’ for. No agendas, no pretense. Good stuff. This has been the hardest thing to deal with as the lone pastoral staff – not having that arena on a daily basis. This may be why this day has been so good for me.

5.00 pm, Western Hills, office
Debating on going home or just staying up here for my 5.45 meeting and then Awana’s Carnival Night after that. I’ll stay up here. Like the silence. Hate that my books still aren’t unpacked and no pictures are hanging up.

5.45 pm, WH, small kitchen
Meeting that really isn’t a meeting, think tank/pushing around ideas kind of meeting. What is a spiritual leader? How are they made? What’s the front door of that process? It’s a good time, a time of questioning and pushing in a good way. There are some men and women around this table that challenge me. In a good way – challenge. They think differently than I do. We make each other better leaders, I think. There is something redemptive and good in the wrestling of ideas.

7.00 pm, Gym
Awana Carnival is going on. The plan was for Amy and I to steal away for dinner together. It didn’t happen. She’s volunteering, I’m walking around meeting new people and reconnecting with others that are just as new to me. See Bryan Nelson again – his son is here at the Carnival.

8.00 pm, West Ridge Mall Food Court
While Amy is taking kids home, I swing by to pick up Chick-fil-A for us. I’m sort of miffed because why in the world doesn’t Chick-fil-A have a stand alone place?
Why do I have to go into the mall to get God’s chosen food?
Why do these mall rat teenage boys try to walk with their pants around their knees?
What makes these girls think ‘tighter is better?’ Who lied to them?
Why would name your store Wet Seal? I thought that was the exact look women were trying to avoid?

Get the food, head home.

After careful review of the day…didn’t get any headway on sermon. Always tomorrow, right? Alas I have a few more meetings then as well. May they be as good as today.

What a week. Our truck full of stuff got here, the closing went fine. The house is wonderful. There are boxes everywhere, packing paper scattered throughout the house. I’m still trying to find my clothes, the cups, and a pair of scissors. Meals are being delivered and I’ve yet to put the headboard on the bed but the TV’s our up and the surround sound is working. (Gotta have priorities…)

But I’m blurry, conflicted right now. Easter was nice, lots of people walked through Western Hills door and the compliments were nice. But I have mixed feelings about the whole deal. I like our services. We don’t always pull off what we aim to do excellently, but it’s a good service. It’s an encounter with room for mystery, silence, and wonder. I wouldn’t change that part of it. This past week we took some chances in our service – some of them worked, some of them didn’t – but overall, it’s not the quality or what we’re trying to do on Sunday morning that I’m having a problem with.

The truth is it doesn’t matter what we do on Sunday morning, it’s never going to be enough. It’s not enough to change the culture at Western Hills. What we do on Sunday morning is not enough to effect life change in a person for the long term. It’s not enough to heal the pain of abuse, divorce, addictions, hurt, and betrayals. It’s not enough to develop leaders who pastor and give front row care to their small group. It’s not enough to equip a teen to witness to his friends. It’s not enough to move someone to start a Bible study at their work, or invest in Topeka Rescue Mission.

It’s good….but I know real life change and ministry happens outside the church walls, normally not during the morning hours of Sunday morning. I know that long term, life long impact normally happens as a result of doing life vulnerably with a small group of sojourners. Plus, I’ve been on teams where the focus has been pulling off an incredible worship experience (which we did) and we got limited returns in making disciples that changed the world. We got lots of accolades followed by lots of complaints when we started emphasizing serving others.

So I know that life groups/small groups are key in making disciples, impacting our community. I know having leaders that drive life change and service at that level will have the largest, long term effect in the Kingdom. And while I have a plan to do this starting over this summer, right now I find myself focusing on the Sunday morning experience more than I’m comfortable with.

The temptation in the stillness, in the waiting for right moment is to fill it with busyness. I’ve tried to feed the Holy Discontent with activity. Makes it worse. So I’ll wrestle with it for now, knowing that there is a time when we’ll start the journey of empowering, equipping, and releasing Kingdom minded leaders…pushing them to focus on outside the walls, taking as many people with them as they can.

In the meantime, my soul needs to get unblurred. Off to the cave.

Sunday morning, my good friend Steve lost his dad after a long fight against dementia. My dad has the same disease and Steve was a comfort for me. Many a lift ride would include talks about kids, dads, dealing with loss, dealing with disappoint and just life in general.

I called Steve Sunday morning – about 15 minutes before I had to preach. Probably wasn’t the best idea in the world as the sermon was on when God doesn’t heal. As I stood up to speak in the first service, I just completely lost it. I fumbled through the first 5 minutes trying to get it together, couldn’t read my notes because of the tears. I don’t remember much about what I said.

When I started the 2nd service, I was much more ‘together’ and I made a passing comment that thankfully we have the 2nd service to re-do the 1st service.

After the service, a man grabbed me and pulled me aside. I’ve known this man for all of 8 weeks now. He’s been nothing but supportive but I could tell he wasn’t happy with me. He grabbed my arm, pulled me very close and whispered. He said something along the lines of this…

“You couldn’t be more wrong about the first service. Don’t diminish what God did through your brokenness and vulnerability. It may not have been what you thought but that’s probably okay. Don’t ever apologize for being vulnerable and authentic in a way that God uses to minister to others. Don’t ever stop being that way, either.”

What do you say to that?

“Yes, sir. Rebuke taken.”

Every week we do a review of last week before looking ahead. This week’s service was incredible. We walked through Jesus and the woman at the well. (sermon here.). Georges Boujakly set us up with the prayer pause, I loved his definition of worship: Worship is the adoration of the community of God of the community of God. The only people God uses are broken, messed up people. Folks wrote on cardboard squares what their ‘well’ moment was. Service was awesome, that’s not the point.

The point was all week long I felt stressed to the nines that I wasn’t getting enough face time with Jesus. Lots more meetings, lots more life walking with folks, less still time with Jesus. I made the comment that I felt like I needed 3 more hours with the text. Stephen didn’t even pause with his question – do you need it or does God need it?

I didn’t immediately answer his question. Obviously, God didn’t need the extra time nor did He need me to have my “A” game. But then again, I already knew that. I’ve had plenty of experiences to prove that point. That’s not really the real reason I wanted that extra time. I wanted/needed it so I didn’t feel so stretched on Sunday morning. I needed it for the control side of me. I actually just needed the time because I wanted the time. Am I making any sense?

The more I do this ministry thing, the more I realize I don’t bring a whole lot to the table. That’s not false humility. That’s not baiting for a compliment. It’s just the truth for all of us in ministry. I’m significant, I’m valuable, I don’t have a self-esteem/self-worth problem either. It’s not a ‘I’m worthless’ statement.

I’m just learning more and more how much better “I” am when I function out of the overflow of time with Jesus. Of course, the flip side of that is that more time I spend with Jesus, the more He increases, the more I decrease. Or maybe it’s better understood that he makes me the me He wants me to be. I become more like the “I” I should be.

Confused yet?

All of that to say this – I’m feeling God stretch me in my leadership and in my character. As He is doing this, I feel like I need MORE of Him…that there is so much more I don’t know, don’t get. That the insights and principles I’ve learned so far could fit in a thimble. I know enough to know this is God working in me. I know enough to understand that spiritual formation comes with pain and uncomfortableness and discipline.

I also know that knowing all of that doesn’t make it any easier.