Defining Oneness

I originally wrote this as the weekly devo on

I am quickly realizing just how much we are NOT going to get covered in this short 3 week series on GREATsex. So I’d thought I’d tackle a few questions we’ve been getting with the weekly devo.

What is oneness?
Using Genesis 2 as the baseline, I think it’s safe to interchange oneness and intimacy. There are some distinctions that I think we need to make though to make sure we don’t short change the word intimacy.

The opposite of oneness is isolation or alone-ness (is that a word?). Oneness is WHOLISTIC. It is physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. It is a total body, total being experience and process. It is the decision of two people to be unified in ALL that they ARE. Oneness (at least from God’s perspective) will also have “for the benefit of the other” at its core. The opposite of this is selfishness.

Like all definitions, I’m sure there are some holes in it but I think this gives us a starting point.

Is holding hands in a dating relationship REALLY considered moving towards oneness?

Where does your mind go when you hold her (or his) hand? Jesus taught that for some of us, looking at the other person was “too far.” See Matthew 5:27-28. That’s the real heart of the matter behind “lust in your heart.” We want something that does not belong to us. We want a relationship to go to a place where at that point in time it should NOT go. Does our minds race ahead to a place of physical, emotional, and spiritual unity with this person? Another question to ask – what’s the point of this touch? Where is this going to take the relationship?

This gets further complicated when we realize that girls and guys have completely different operating systems. So a touch on the shoulder, a squeeze of the hand, or a quick side-hug could possibly mean two very different things for each person. Factor in cultural differences or abuse – you can see how crazy this can get.

The point is this – where is this going? Where is your mind taking you in that moment? If an action is taking you to a place of pursuing the other – it’s probably on the path to oneness.

Is it possible for people of the opposite sex to be close friends without pursuing oneness?
Ahhh…the baseline conflict for so many Romantic Comedies.

Possible? Sure. Context is everything though, right?

Single and you just want to be friends? Sure. Married to some one else? Uh…no. Single and one of you wants to go further with the relationship than the other? Probably not a good idea, either.

Is it ever okay for a guy and girl to kiss (or further down the line) each other when they are dating/engaged?
I’m not the moral police. I’m a tour guide trying to get you to the BEST part of the tour. Get distracted early in the tour and we’ll miss the best part. Are you following me?

I will answer the question with another question. Do you believe that God has the best plan for GREAT sex? If you do AND you want GREAT sex, not just average or good enough or even bad – how far are you willing to go (or not go) to get it? No one has ever got to their wedding night and said – “Man…I really, really wish I’d gone further with that cute girl I dated back in the day.” No one. No matter where the line is drawn. What I hear over and over again from married couples is how they wished they had saved EVERYTHING for their spouse. Something to think about.

At some point you have to pursue oneness at least in the emotional, mental, and spiritual arenas without BEING married. So what then is the ‘tipping point?”
Are you in a position to marry the other person? Financially, practically, morally, spiritually? Is that the end goal for that relationship – marriage? Can marriage happen in a relatively short period of time?

To get close and pursue unity in these other areas but there is no desire or plan to get married is irresponsible, hurtful, and dangerous. It will not end well for any of the parties involved. To get close and pursue unity and one of the people isn’t ready to get married – either by finances or maturity or any other circumstance – is also irresponsible, hurtful, and dangerous.

In short, I’d say that the tipping point is when you are ready and able to get married.


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