A lot of you have asked about my tweets last Thursday. Here’s the story.
So last week I was writing in a local coffee shop and got to observe one of most bizarre scenes ever. I guess you could call it the modern day dating rituals of the American teen. Or you could call it a lesson in how to stay single.
This particular coffee shop is inside a grocery store. It’s got nice pleather chairs and a TV hanging over the fireplace. In walks three teenage boys (15-16 years-old) with bags of Cheetos, Funyons, and some kind of sour candy. They plop down in the pleather, one with his legs draped over the arm of the chair.
45 seconds later, a young lady (15? 16?) walks into their midst and not one guy stands up to offer her a seat. One guy throws a sour candy at her, hitting her awkwardly in the chest. The other guy looks like he’s about to hyperventilate. Her shoes must be incredibly nice as he seems very focused on them.
She sits down on the edge of the table and reaches for the bag of Cheetos and she immediately rolls her eyes. Up to this point, I’m sitting on the other side of the room with my headphones in. Headphones off.
Guy 1: “I mean no one would ever see a tattoo there. So why not get one there?”
It’s never good coming into a conversation midstream.
Girl: “What’s the point then?”
Guy 2: “It’d be cool.”
Guy 3 still staring at her shoes.
Guy 1 turning to Guy 3: “You could tatt up like your character on Warcraft!”
Conversation now swirls around sleeves, swords, and eye tattoos. Guys start debating where they think a tattoo would hurt the worst. I should note that collectively these three guys might weigh 280 pounds. They look more at home at Comic Con than a tattoo parlor. I doubt they even make it in the door, let alone get a tattoo.
It’s fairly obvious that the girl is enjoying the attention – sort of. She keeps glancing at Guy 2 who hasn’t said a lot. It’s also fairly obvious these guys have no idea how to talk to a girl. It’s debatable if they know how to talk to anybody at this point.
Guy 3 says :
“Wish we could put tattoos on our character in Minecraft.”
This starts a heated discussion among the three Bozos about Minecraft protocol and building materials. I have little understanding about all that mess but it has yet to dawn on any of these guys that they have quit talking to the girl and she is gathering her books to leave. She is really taking her time getting her backpack and purse together.
She’s sending all the signals to Guy 2 that she’d like to talk or at least have a chance to talk.
And she’s gone.
Guy 2 hits Guy 3.
“Idiot. She left because of you.”
Guy 3: “Not hardly. You asked if she’d ever get a tattoo on her butt.”
And there’s the missing piece of the conversation.
They now start throwing the hard sour candy at each other. Trying to hit each other in their man-parts.
I’ve seen enough. I’m outta here.
I’m half tempted to walk over and start a conversation with these guys. At least tell them to go home and watch Hitch on Netflix before they ever try to speak to a girl again.