My Pirates 5 and Furious 7 Rant

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A picture of Johnny Depp was released today by Jerry Bruckheimer with this caption –

“Captain Jack is back and we’re not letting him go.”

Well, maybe you should. I mean, seriously the last 2.5 Pirates movies have been…Lone Ranger-ish. And that’s not a compliment. In fact, they ought to count the Lone Ranger film in the Pirates franchise. Call it – Pirates: Masquerade As An Indian – err, I mean Native American.

Has Hollywood really gotten this desperate for stories?

Yes, I loved the original movie. It was creative and fresh. I even tolerated the first hour of the 2nd sequel. Then it sort of all went downhill from there. Even the adorable, sensational Penelope Cruz couldn’t rescue it.

Ever heard of leaving well enough alone?

I have the same feelings for the Furious Franchise. Thought the first movie was incredible. Okay, incredible may be a stretch but it was a fun, action-filled movie with great stunts. A guilty pleasure of sorts. But 6 more? Especially after the disaster they called Tokyo Drift.

I will grant you that the franchise gained a little bit more mo-jo when Duane “The Rock” Johnson showed up. (Which one was that? 4? 5? They all run together.)

So far the popular opinion is raving about Furious 7. After all, Jordana is back. All this proves is that if you give Hollywood enough chances to make the same movie eventually they will get it right. See Batman until Batman Begins.

This proof should give Spiderman fans hope. Then again, don’t hold your breath.

Of course there is the equally true 2nd degree of this law and that is they will try to make even more movies after a successful one and it will turn into another disaster. See Star Wars Prequels. See also the future of Batman.

Taken appears to be following in these same footsteps. Particularly if you include Taken On A Plane – aka Non-Stop and Taken In A Graveyard aka A Walk Among The Tombstones. That would bring the total number of Taken movies to 5. At the given body-count rate of the first 5 films, we will quickly have to move this franchise into outer space and introduce aliens or an alternate planet. Taken With Aliens could spur on a whole other round of sequels.

Or what about when Liam Neeson hits 80 – Taken On Dialysis.

Obviously I am alone in my principles on this as they keep making these movies and people keep going to see them.

Oh well…only have to wait until December 18th for the real movie magic to happen.

That’s right – Star Wars 7.

But that’s totally different.

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